It was the Spring of 2011. I was 35 pounds overweight and the heaviest I had ever been.
It was in that moment, I knew my life was going to be drastically different. I just didn’t know how different. I found myself falling into a deep pit of despair all while flying high with excitement.
These polar opposite emotions had me spinning.
I don’t recall another time in my life where I felt this off.
Yet, I wanted this. I allowed this weight gain to happen because I wanted it too. I thought it would be the magic bullet to fix all of the brokenness I felt inside and would repair my dysfunctional marriage.
Boy was I delusional.
It only magnified the gaping holes that existed inside of me and exposed the weakest aspects of my relationship that was barely hanging on as it was.
This was definitely not how I envisioned this major life event would be for me.
As a young girl, I dreamed of an extravagant wedding to the man of my dreams with multiple kids and a beautiful home. Smiles, laughter, and love all around.
But here I was with none of that at the same exact age where my own mother had 5 kids already! **Following another person’s timeline for life is a huge no-no that I learned the hard way. More on that in another post.**
It’s crazy how the process of Becoming Mom left me feeling like the World’s Greatest imposter and exposed every shortcoming I had in broad daylight.
Most of what you hear in the world from other mothers is, “Oh, being a mother is the greatest thing ever!”, making it that much more difficult to come to terms with the raw, yet very real emotions I felt inside.
Who was I, really? Who are you, really?
It’s a question that comes up a lot when moving through major life transitions and forces us to make a hard decision: do we move through the murky waters of discomfort or run back to safety?
Ponder that a moment…
Bringing new life into the world when that world is bleak is a very scary thing. I desperately wanted to run for cover many times but was forced to face my darkness.
Looking back, I can say that motherhood changed my life. That bringing another soul into existence forced me to wrestle with the dark shadows of my being and change the person I had become.
My daughter’s birth led to my rebirth.
I’m still a work in progress. I fall short and ask forgiveness often but I learn and evolve to become a better version of myself.
Because a healthy, whole ME means a better wholesome mama for Roo! ❤
Yes, this story was my account of becoming a mother, but the takeaway here is this:
Major life experiences happen whether you expect them or not. It is your choice to decide how to proceed with them.
Having been a master at running towards safety most of my life, I can tell you with so much certainty that moving through the murky unknown waters of discomfort pays off in tremendous ways.
Here to support you anyway I can.
In Love and Light,